The Judgment of Barack Obama: A Play in One Telling Act.

THE SCENE: BARACK OBAMA's office. Like the candidate himself, the office is slick, expensive and trendy. The furniture is made of lucite and cream leather, and photos of The One cover the walls. A silver MacBook rests on the desk, which has the Possum seal on it. OBAMA himself is seated behind the desk, talking on his iPhone.

OBAMA: Yeah, Michelle, you've got the day off. Just sit at home and look cute. Kiss the girls for me!

(He puts the phone down on his desk.)

OBAMA: (to himself) Man, I sure could use a cigarette. This campaign is stressing me out. What with the economy, the war, that wacky Alaskan chick and all those crazy PUMA ladies who refuse to vote for me, I just wish the whole danged thing were over and I could sit in that awesome chair in the Oval Office.

Maybe I need a nap. Just for a few minutes...

(OBAMA closes his eyes. The stage goes dark, then fills with a gauzy blue light. We understand that OBAMA is dreaming. JEREMIAH WRIGHT walks into the office.)

WRIGHT: Barack, my brother. How are you doing?

OBAMA: Jeremiah! Uh, what can I do for you? Just make it quick, I've got a meeting in a few minutes.

WRIGHT: A meeting? What are you talking about? You don't have any meetings to go to. You're back in Illinois.

OBAMA: Jeremiah, you're not making sense. I'm about to make history as America's first black President. Yes, I can!

WRIGHT (chuckling): Oh, Barack, you are too much! McCain won the election. And it's all because of us! Come on in, folks! 

(WILLIAM AYERS walks in, along with his wife, BERNARDINE DOHRN; ANTONIN "TONY" REZKO; NANCY PELOSI; HARRY REID; and MADELEINE TALBOT, the head of the Chicago chapter of ACORN. They all form a line in front of OBAMA's desk, blocking him from view. As each dream figure speaks, he or she takes a step forward, and takes a step back when finished.)

WRIGHT: Well, you know how I helped McCain win. "God Damn America," and all my anti-Clinton ranting, wasn't as hopeful and inspiring as you thought, I guess! And of course, there were your other friends, my fellow preachers Pfleger and Meeks. Pfleger said America was the greatest sin against God, and Meeks, well, he's not too friendly towards the gay community or white people. We all gave the voters a real birds-eye view of the type of religious views you've been listening to for decades, and let's just say it didn't go over too well. Who wants to go next? (looking at PELOSI) How about you, garlic-nose?

AYERS (stepping forward): No, me, me! I still wish I had done more bombings as head of the Weather Underground, and I was thoughtful enough to say so on September 11, 2001. You've known me, personally and professionally, for decades. You launched your political career from my living room, and you sat on the board of the Woods Foundation and the Annenberg Foundation with me. I was definitely a big part of why you didn't win. Credit where credit is due!

DOHRN: Hey, don't forget about me! When a man was paralyzed in one of our riots, I wrote a mocking song about how he couldn't move. I've never expressed any regret about my actions either, just like my dear husband. So don't count me out!

TALBOT: Huh. Well, I can see why you guys were a bit hard to swallow. But what about me? I'm getting a really bad rap, just because I wanted to, um, help Barack with his political career. I mean, so what if he gave one of ACORN's affiliates $800,000 in the primaries for get-out-the-vote activities? So what if my organization is under investigation for falsifying thousands of voter registrations in Gary, Indiana - the same place, coincidentally, where the mayor famously and inexplicably refused to release the primary election results for hours, preventing most Americans from knowing that Barack had lost the state? And some people say we helped Freddie Mac extend risky loans to the poorer members of our society. Whatever. We're just trying to help out our community!

PELOSI: Yes, Madeleine, you really are getting a bad rap. I understand where you're coming from. I mean, I know I said I'd clean up Washington when we Democrats took over Congress in 2006. But I didn't mean we'd do anything to really upset the status quo, like end the war, or impeach Bush and Cheney! Yeesh, I would have become President if I'd gotten those two bozos out of power, and then who would we blame for the economy collapsing? And honestly, how did anyone notice we were trying to slip a giant bonus to ACORN into the bailout bill? Why are they paying so much attention? It's just a few billion bucks!

REID: Well, I don't know why I'm here at all. I didn't do anything to help McCain win. Everyone knows I'm an ethical man!

PELOSI: Oh, please, Harry, you said no one knew what to do about the economic situation. Then, you helped me tie the unpopular bailout bill to Obama. Way to go!

REZKO (interrupting): Excuse me, but don't you think I deserve a little attention? Barack bought a house with me when I was under investigation for money laundering. I funnelled money to most all of you Chicago folks through my various connections. Now, I'm singing like a bird to federal prosecutors. What do you think I said?

OBAMA (standing, coming around to the front of the desk to address the group): Are you guys serious? I really lost because I was associated with you? But Axelrod says that my links to corrupt politicians and organizations, and to racist and bigoted preachers, and to unrepentant domestic terrorists, are just a distraction! And I thought Harry and Nancy were popular with the American people!

(ALL of the dream figures laugh tolerantly.)

WRIGHT: Now, son, you have to understand that people believed you when you said your judgment was better than Hillary's or McCain's. After all, they voted for the AUMF, and you supposedly made a speech in 2002 about how we shouldn't go into Iraq. So when people found out how closely allied you were with us, well, it kind of took the halo off your head, and they started looking at your experience and record a bit more closely. And they found that your resume, thin as it was, was STILL filled with lies.

OBAMA: Like what? I didn't lie!

TALBOT: Now, honey, you know you did. What about that claim that you were the first black editor of the Harvard Law Review?

OBAMA: But I was! Wasn't I? (TALBOT shakes her head.) Well, dammit. That wasn't the Law Review I knew!

PELOSI (coming over and putting her hands on his shoulders): Listen, Barack, you've got to face it. We tried, but you were just not the right man at the right time. IF you know what I mean.

OBAMA (with dawning relief): So - so you're saying it's not my fault? That it's really because I'm black that people wouldn't elect me?

AYERS: Of course it is, Barack. We were just joshing you before. Weren't we, folks? (ALL nod and agree vociferously) Now, go back to sleep. When you lose in November, just remember - it's all because of your skin color. America just wasn't ready to have a black president.

OBAMA (relieved): Thank God! (The dream figures start to leave.) Hey guys, wait up! What happens if I win?

(ALL the dream figures turn around.)

PELOSI (smiling): Why, then, we can all continue our very profitable and happy association with you. And we will expect a lot of quid pro quo. We're talking Cabinet positions, earmarks for ACORN, expansion of faith-based programs for the preachers here, and a Presidential pardon for Tony. The works! 

OBAMA (happily): Well, that sounds great, everyone. Thanks for stopping by, and don't forget to wear anything but Racist White to the Inaugural Ball!

(ALL the dream figures file out of the office except HARRY REID, who pauses at the door and turns around.)

REID: Um, Barack, you did hear us, right? You know that you could still lose this thing?

(OBAMA leans back in his chair, with a big smile on his face.)

OBAMA: Sure, Harry, I sure did. I'm gonna win in a landslide. Everything's going perfectly! Now, you just run along. I have to finish planning my guest list for the Inauguration!

(REID turns to the audience and shakes his head.)

(LIGHTS OUT.)

Cross-posted at The Confluence